My Vigil of the Eye is almost at its end. Talking with my friend, she said she felt two months was the perfect length for a trip, and I have to agree. If my relocation had only lasted two months, I would not have the distinct "I'm done!" feeling that has been upon me as of late.
Did I discern what I truly want and need from in amongst all that my heart feels and which I have observed? I feel that "sort of" is the best answer, as true to my usual form, I really feel like I had some good experiences which helped me clarify a bunch of shit that I now feel I would prefer to not do again. I can tell that both my tastes and preferences, and my wants and needs have all shifted in terms of how I view my main alchemical fire family. I love them deeply but what I really want and really need is not what they are anymore. I share some of their values but am seeking something less focused on theatrical performance and more on living systems. I don't want a social community, where I just live in the same city as some of my tribe and we just have fun together. I want some land and some deeper connections and I recognize that means sharing challenges along with the fun. I'm just enough off from the core ways of being with the Vortex that I won't get the connection and validation that I seek and need because I don't quite do what that group lauds/supports/encourages. I've been coming to events in Vegas for a decade and there's only one single person here who ever regularly contacts me in Seattle. I'm not going to cease my involvement but I am going to seriously reconsider my investments of time and energy and new levels of priority and allocation are going to come into play.
Behold, I will tell you as plainly as I may. There are in the world two extremes -- matter and spirit. One of these, I can assure you, is earth. The influences of the spirit animate and quicken the matter, and in the material extreme the seed of the spirit is to be found. In middle natures -- as fire, air, and water -- this seed stays not, for they are but dispenseros or media, which convey it from one extreme to the other, from the spirit to the matter -- that is, the earth. But stay, my friend; this intelligence hath somewhat stirred you, and how you come on so furiously, as if you would rifle the cabinet. Give me leave to put you back. I mind not this common, feculent, impure earth; that falls not within my discourse, but as it makes for your manuduction. That which I speak of is a mystery: it is coelum terrae and terrae coeli, not this dirt and dust but a most secret, celestial, invisible earth.
from Magia Adamica: or the
antiquitie of magic, and the descent thereof from Adam downwards, proved. Whereunto is added a... full discoverie
of the true coelum terræ... By Eugenius Philalethes. London: T.W. for H.B, 1650.
I want a porch on my tiny house that is larger than what most people build so it seems like getting a slightly longer trailer is the way to go. I had been thinking of the bathroom and kitchen at the hitch end but now see them very much at the door end. I see two lofts, stairs up and most likely a cathedral ceiling section. I liked the wood stoves I saw, especially a very teeny UK model. Composting toilet. A bit of internet research last night showed me that my idea of using earthen plaster to combat the moisture issues that can happen in tiny houses has already been tried and it would seem that even when being moved around, the plaster stays on the walls of the house. I had a vision of the hitch end being one gigantic floor to ceiling bookcase.
In some ways I have a huge list of things to do when I get home, and yet I also feel I have no idea what I'm going to do. Who am I kidding? I'm spending the first three weeks at home freaking out about the Emerald City Comicon.